10 Things I would Do If I Am God

If I am God, this is trending on twitter right now. Though I can point out the grammatical issues this hashtag possesses, I thought of ignoring it and using this trend to get some extra visitors to my blog. Come on! Last time I talked about how everyone who supported “My Choice” video is dumb, people accused me of using the subject for promotion of my blog and I was like – what a brilliant idea!

So, people this is what I’m gonna do If I am God.

1. Ask people fighting in name of God to shut the fuck up: Seriously, I have seen different religions fight with one another. Wait! Religions don’t fight. They are in fact trying to teach people to live peacefully as ‘humans’. But humans as you are, many of you started fighting in name of religion. Okay, I agree there are bad people who are sent to the world for the sole purpose of proving existence of ‘bad’ but what about the stupid followers? You need to stop!
2. Follow Paresh Rawal preachings from Oh My God: if you haven’t watched the movie, look on the internet about the issues he raised or better watch it right now! Why waste so much of food as an offering to my statue that just doesn’t happen to have a digestive system? Why donate money to temples or for development of temples etc when there are people dying every day because of poverty? If I were a human, many people would have tried to kill me for having such a thought but as I am God, you need to FOLLOW!
3. Punish hypocrite people in India: Do you know the place where you can find the biggest hypocrites? INDIA. Come on! Even I might have the trait in me if I were human. Every Indian is born with this trait that is bound to come out on some specific situation. Hypocrites deserve punishment, severe punishment. The punishment would depend upon the level of hypocrisy.
4. Ask people to convert worship centres into shelters for homeless: Seriously, even if you make a big idol of mine to worship me (if I am a God), why do you need so much of space around the room you worship me? I don’t think my idol would get suffocated in small space. Then why? Can’t you just let homeless or disabled people live in there?
5. Give a good beating to moral police: I have a zero tolerance policy for the bunch of jerks that talk in name of Indian culture and moral values but don’t have even penny knowledge about all those. Oh yeah! I remember that I am a God and I’m supposed to be ‘good’. I would send such people to exile (in hell) and ask them to practice their ‘culture’ and ‘values’ there.
6. Have direct contact with people through twitter: It turns out that my absence (if I am a God) has given a boost to businesses of fortune tellers, spiritual gurus etc. I would want to keep all rights related to this business to me. If you have a problem, tweet it to me (@lifeofmanpreet 😉 )and I will see what I can do about that.

Too much goodness! I need to think about my own self as well. So, here are some more things I would want to do…

7. Teach girls to drive: I just forgot to put this trait in them while manufacturing this kind. Some of them do manage to learn by going through a lot of hardships but others just rely on usual sympathy that is given to women to get rid of serious action against rash driving. Lot of people are dying and facing humiliation because of them. That needs to stop! (Remember, you can’t accuse me of being a stereotype because I am God.
8. Demote arranged marriages, same caste marriages etc: “Jodiyan toh Bhagwaan bnaata hai” Seriously! Do you think I am so free to do matchmaking for all of you? Remember! I created a thing called “love”. Practice that. If you are a follower kind, better follow me than some predictions by a Pandit combined with biased views of your parents. Also, diversity is the key to evolution (yes, this is something I assumed by myself). Inter caste marriages, love marriages are in!
9. Allow myself to eat without getting fat: what! Do you think I don’t get fat? But yeah! I thought of using my own powers for my own benefit. 😉 I want to eat a lot and not get fat.
10. Sign a big fat check and gift myself a genie: Money makes the world go and I think I need it too. For what purposes, I can’t disclose because God virtually doesn’t need money. Right? Also, I just don’t like working so I need a genie who would follow my orders do all the work. ( I am just preparing for the bad days when I would not be GOD 😉 )

Don’t think If I am God, I can’t be lazy. I am lazy and that’s why I am not going to write anything more. I want to know what you will do if you were God (not that you would be one day 😉  but still I wanna know).